The Imperfect Leader

I’m not far away from completing my first term as a full-time English teacher. For most of the term, my year 9 class has been studying Shakespeare's Richard III; which truthfully I think is a bit of a bootleg Macbeth. However, this year 9 class is full of brilliant young men. They brought the play to life. Students in the class discussed complex ideas and themes; such as the explorations of the Apollonian/Dionysian binary and the mannerisms of the archetypal Machiavellian villain present in the play. After their unit on a Shakespearean text came to a conclusion, they began a unit titled: Take a walk in my shoes. It’s a unit of work which centres around empathy. The background research for this unit was to define empathy and in the process of doing so, I posed the question to the class: “As a society, are we responsible to be empathetic?”. Even through online learning, this created a heated discussion. My initial perspective on this discussion was that we should be held responsible to be empathetic. I provoked the class by beginning this discussion from an Obama quote: “But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us.”

This quote was opposed with quite specific circumstances in which we should not be responsible to be empathetic: “What about our judicial system?”; “Should we be empathetic to criminals?” “Sir, I find that some people are trying to help people when they should be trying to help themselves”. One student answered with something I thought contained a lot of wisdom. “Empathy should be a tool which is circumstantially applied. Empathy should be selective and align with values and your understanding of what is right and wrong.” Yep, I’m teaching children smarter than myself. Honestly, this was an anxiety of mine when I began teaching and it was an underlying anxiety which stopped me from beginning coaching for a long time.

People in positions of leadership, in my opinion, should have their shit together. They should be in that position as they deserve to be there, and not because they’ve put themselves there by their own judgement. In the world of coaching, the reality is that you can put yourself in a position as a leader or a guide by your own account. Complete a course; do a degree; hell, you could just wake up one morning and start offering unsolicited advice over the internet and by doing so, you’ve put yourself in a position of leadership. By doing so, you’ve now assumed the welfare of others. For years, I did not want to assume this position as a thought sitting in the back of my head was whether or not I was a strong enough person to assume the welfare of others. Some are crippled by imposter syndrome of an intellectual manner. Do I know enough about sprinting? Do I know enough about strength and conditioning? To me, these questions never crossed my mind because they are knowledge areas which are easy to gain education in. It doesn’t take a genius to pick up a textbook and understand anatomy or biomechanics. I’ve never had this worry as I’ve never had any formal education in this field and yet, I can still converse with those who had and not feel like a huge idiot. To me, imposter syndrome was more emotionally inclined. This is where my anecdote of my Year 9 class comes into play. How much empathetic capacity did I have; could I be strong enough to wear the ups and downs of working with people you care about and how well could I selectively apply empathy? I had a fear of being a hypocrite. Who am I to advise someone how to train; how to feel; essentially, how to live their life in a certain manner (eat this, sleep this much, be motivated, etc.) if I do not have my own shit together?

In my late teens and early twenties, I was a very lost soul. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with myself. I suffered badly from depression and wasn’t happy with the manner in which I dealt with issues surrounding my diabetes. These were limiting factors in being a clear-minded, constructive person so I put my life on hold momentarily (I quit university) to save money and travel. I worked retail full-time and travelled by myself across the US and in Japan. Those same anxieties I had about coaching permeated even then. What if you fall apart? Why go travel by yourself If you do not have your shit together?

It is in my nature to work on myself every day. I did not have my shit together in my early twenties as mentioned, but once this was acknowledged, I sought help. I worked on both how I perceived myself from an emotional, spiritual standpoint (and this helped) but also, how I could improve on myself from a practical sense. How could I be a better diabetic? How could I be a better student in the future after failing in the past? Perception is powerful but I always thought it was meaningless unless it was met with something actionable. So, leading into this solo travel, anxiety began to reduce about what was to come when it was met with preparation. Exercises prescribed from a therapist, although difficult, were completed. I matched the experiences and principles of therapy with the experiences and principles of training. I thought it was fulfilling to hit 100kg on the bench press for the first time and to pack on muscle by progressively challenging myself in the gym but those feelings of accomplishment were minuscule compared to being able to talk with strangers and to not waking up in the morning with the feeling of reluctance and apprehension. Before I left the plane to travel by myself for four months (with only the first week of accommodation booked) I was stressed (I remember getting mystery toothaches), but I was excited and emotionally prepared. It was as if I had accumulated months of an emotional offseason and was finally ready for a major competition. Well, I performed well in this overseas competition by myself. I put myself in (potentially life threatening but really fun (sorry mum) situations; made friends and challenged myself every day. I don’t think I have ever been so happy. For the first time in my life, I finally thought to myself: “You have your shit put together”.

Whenever given the chance, whether it be on a long Greyhound bus trip from Charlotte to Nashville, via Chattanooga and an overnight stay at the Atlanta bus stop; or on a train ride from New Orleans to Austin, I journalled. I wrote about the weird and wonderful people I met along the way; the things I did and saw; the drinks I drank. Nothing was ever scribbled out or second guessed; much in the manner I write this now. Solo-travel was a very empowering experience and if ever the opportunity to partake arises, I do encourage, partake. While journaling, I came to this crazy conclusion that I want to be an English teacher. I was writing a lot, I was reading books regularly. I was reading so many books that my bag was getting too heavy to carry around and I ended up donating books to hostels or sending books home (if they were really nice books). I distinctly remember one day looking for a bookstore in Nashville and they didn’t have one. I didn’t ever think I’d be pissed off with a lack of book stores in a city (NERRRRD). While travelling, I enrolled at university to undertake an undergraduate course in Secondary Education and International Studies. As I was journaling across the US and in Japan, I also concluded that I want to run again. I stopped running after high school when I was in the pits emotionally and my body felt broken. To come to that conclusion, to run once more, felt like I was experiencing my own personal renaissance. Personal philosophical development was in overdrive the more I wrote and the more I travelled. I’m unsure whether I attribute the recognition of my own depressive state; or the travel, to the beginning of my own metamorphosis. Every day, we should try to grow just a little.

I came home, began studying and running. A few years into my degree, I realised teaching (in some form) was something I wanted to do for life. I’m really good at it and it gives me a strong sense of accomplishment. My running experience had ups and downs. I began coaching myself after two years being in a squad (an amazing squad and coach at that). Despite encouragement from friends, family and my partner, I hesitated to coach others. Even if I had emotionally and spiritually developed over the previous 3-4 years, I was far from who I wanted to be as a man. Travel is a great way to understand yourself a little better, but it isn’t a permanent fix to mental health stuff. I was still developing my skills to deal with depression and trying to ‘figure it all out’. I thought it’d be something which would affect teaching practice, but in reality, I was happiest when teaching. Teaching is an empowering experience. It’s super cliche, but teachers do learn just as much from the students as the students do from the teachers. This cliche made me realise that one of the things that really makes me happy is learning. After coaching myself for two years, including a year spent living and studying in Germany, I arrived at the conclusion that I wanted to coach.

I did feel confident in where my knowledge stood as a potential sprints coach and I thought what I could offer as a coach would be better than most people doing the job in Sydney already. Still, I stressed about the idea of ‘looking after’ others (I really needed to change this mindset that coaching would claim so much emotional responsibility - in the end, you’re just trying to make someone run faster). Coaching adults in a personal, hopefully professional, manner is far more intimate than five classes of thirty students. I wanted to do coaching right. Develop relationships, build year after year and work towards something great. Still, while undertaking this for the first time, I was completely broke, hadn’t finished studying and was living at home. I felt like even if I had accumulated all this knowledge about sprinting and all these life lessons that it would still not be enough. Even while I was driving athletes to and from train stations nowhere near where I live; and had assignments due that night, I still stressed that I would fail and I’d let people down. I still didn’t have my shit together but at least I was doing something I loved.

To take the dive and coach has been the best thing I’ve done since first seeing a therapist when I was 19 (other than telling my partner that I loved her for the first time). It was honest and took balls. I really wanted to coach. It combined my passion for education; with my love for the sport of athletics and a SERIOUS element of problem solving.

The purpose of this weird blog post is to highlight that those in leadership; whether it be teachers or coaches, may or may not have their shit together. They also may or may not be going through some mental mumbo-jumbo. Frankly, it’s really only their business whether they feel like sharing that information or not. The reality is that very few do have it all together (and those who do, I am suspicious of). If you do have self-doubt, or anxiety about putting yourself into a position of power or leadership, you should be proud of your self-awareness. It has been a great few months teaching both Richard III and Macbeth; two examples of horrible, self-serving leaders. Through your self-awareness, have no fear; you will not be like a villain made by Shakespeare. Honesty with yourself allows you to be honest with those who you mentor. Yes, you do need to be a beacon of positivity and inspiration for your athletes and students. They should be excited by the prospect of even hanging out with you, let alone becoming a better sprinter or English student. However; I do not feel that teachers or coaches should be immune to expressing when they need a moment to regather themselves. Coaches and teachers are not perfect and shouldn’t be held responsible for perfection. Sorry to my athletes and my students for not being my most developed and refined product, but I am getting there. The perfect leader is inherently imperfect, for that leader is a human. Recognising this was liberating for me. The type of leader you want is one which knows the area in which you want to achieve success in; one that listens and cares to the needs of those he or she is helping and one that plans on continually learning to become a better leader for life. If you are hesitant to be a leader, strip yourself of doubt and take the plunge. Don’t regret it.