Empathetic coaching

(The podcast which inspired this blog post about empathy - Max Gawn on 'The Imperfects')

This article will create a discussion about the role of empathy within a coaching environment and how we, as coaches and educators, need to constantly try to evolve in order to:

• Connect better with our athletes

• Communicate messages better with athletes

• Know which buttons should or should not be press; and when they should be pressed

• Have better relationships, leading to better sporting and developmental outcomes

The school motto at my public school was ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’, and this was a beautiful saying which I’d hear for decades to come. I think it was referred to as the ‘The Golden Rule’ (no idea where that term actually came from) but both the statement itself and the term, ‘The Golden Rule’, stick in your head so well that it’s almost impossible to forget or to question. The Golden Rule (even if the naming of it may not) has historical and philosophical roots which go well beyond Australian public schooling in the 90s - “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.” — Confucius (circa 500 BC); “We should conduct ourselves toward others as we would have them act toward us.” — Aristotle (circa 350 BC). The main purpose of this rule is essentially to create synergistic, caring, compassionate, cooperative and empathetic societies and environments. The Golden Rule can be formed in positive, negative and empathetic perspectives, for example:

• Treat others the way you want to be treated.

• Don’t treat others the way you don’t want to be treated.

• When you wish something upon others, you wish it upon yourself.

The limitation of the Golden Rule, in my opinion, is that even if it is positively trying to change people for the better to become more empathetic and caring people, it is driven by the perspective of the individual. The individual, in this instance, is the giver of empathy and not necessarily the receiver - which, in my opinion, is contradictory to the nature of empathy in itself. When I asked my Year 10 English class last year what empathy means, the consensus of the class was that empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. The Golden Rule isn’t putting yourself in someone’s shoes; you are merely lending your shoes to someone else so that they may wear them for a moment. If you are honest with The Golden Rule (I’m going to start using TGR because it sounds wanky to continuously write ‘The Golden rule’); you are imposing the standards and the preferences you have for yourself upon others. For the success of TGR, it is implicit that what is best for you, or what you want, is what is best for others and that others want what you want.

This works for 6 year olds. They’re pretty simple creatures. 6 year olds don’t want to be punched in the face, called an idiot, be discriminated against, neglected, etc. As such, TGR is pretty great in a playground. When Mrs. G was preaching TGR in school, I think this was a beautifully positive message which would have had net positive impact upon creating a caring and functioning school environment. For TGR to become a truly empathetic and caring statement, it needs to be slightly modified.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

To

“Treat others the way they want to be treated.”

As this is a coaching blog, I’ll try to contextualise how the modification of the TGR may be applied in that environment.

Separate your athletic identity from your client’s experience

• How did I like to be coached as an athlete?

  • How does my client want (or need) to be coached right now?

• How did I like to be communicated with as an athlete?

  • How does my client respond to different forms of communication?

• What did I need to become a better athlete?

  • What does my client need right now to become a better athlete?

• How did I feel about competition?

  • Does my client feel the same way?

Something I’m trying to change and challenge myself in is being able to separate my own athletic experience from those that I’m coaching. What I wanted out of a coaching experience isn’t inherently what others want as well. What motivated me; the environment that I liked when coached; the type of workouts that I responded well to are very well different to those that I’m coaching. For example, when I was getting coached as a sprinter and completing gym sessions; I’d park myself in a squat rack in the corner of the gym and completely dominate the space for the following hour and a half. Even if I’d interact with those around me, I was very much in my own head, exciting myself. The verbal motivation given by my squad mates wasn’t the thing driving me to be an animal on the platform, or to do extra bench press, or extra chin ups, or more abs, or more conditioning on top of the program; I was just a psychopath who probably had demons that needed to be worked on. Others in the same environment required verbal motivation from team mates or coaching staff and lifted when it was given. Now, just because verbal motivation seemingly has no impact upon my sense of accomplishment or motivation does not mean that those that I coach do not feed off it. I don’t need a gee up, but some people do; so as a coach, I need to separate my own athletic identity from the equation and give the athlete what they need to become better. Overall energy and gee up is something I’m going to try and get better with - even if it’s not what got me going; nor is it something that I like to naturally do to other people.

Understanding points of sensitivity

• What motivated me as an athlete?

  • Why is my client doing the sport?

• What positive and negative experiences did I have in sport?

  • What has my client been through?

• Did I have any insecurities as an athlete? Weight, image, style, major stuff-ups?

  • Maybe I’ve been ok about my body image, for example, but this doesn’t mean everyone does too.

• What performance based insecurities did I have surrounding my identity (personally, I could never run enough to keep up with an AFL training environment)?

  • Has my client been told they’re weak?

• What were the relationships with my coaches in the past like?

  • Is my client comfortable with authority and being coached?

As coaches, we try to set up supportive and encouraging environments which bring out the best in our athletes. We’ll try to motivate by:

• Pushing social buttons

• By creating competition between athletes

• To create narratives of strength

• To break down barriers so that we may connect and work together towards a common goal.

Often the strategies employed for these outcomes is how we would be motivated. You need to be strategic in setting up these dynamics; particularly in a sport like track and field in which you are going to be working with the same group of individuals extensively throughout the year. This is probably a reality which is separated from both team sports and S&C (although I can imagine there is inherent competition for spots, rivalries, etc.); but even if you are training within a squad environment, you’ll be competing against one another as individuals. Within an individual environment, you want to try create an environment which is competitive, yet supportive, and as a coach; I think you need to break down barriers of coaches past and to break down the points of sensitivity developed through sport and to psychologically prepare athletes for the realities of competition - sometimes you will win, sometimes you lose; some people are at different stages of their training cycle; some people have different things to work on than yourself; if your squad members are training well, you’ll train even better; etc.

Being yourself

In promoting all of this empathy driven coaching, it is important to stay true to yourself in communicating with the athletes. This is something I think I struggled with as a teacher - being able to be myself (blunt, honest, crass); but also being considerate of the people I was working with. When you’re in a position of power, such as a coach or a teacher, you’re able to influence the lives of the people you’re working with beyond recognition and your words are resonant. It can be disabling to be overly considerate of the words you’re using with the people you’re working with - so I don’t think you should tread on eggshells as neither you or your client are going to enjoy the experience. You’ll probably come off as inauthentic. Instead, I recommend:

• Reflect upon the type of language you used with your athletes and the important conversations you have with them during the session.

  • This is something I do in the car ride home and then I try to leave it once I walk through the door into my apartment.

• Be open to conversations with your athletes about language and coaching practice.

• Don’t be afraid to tell athletes that the training environment maybe isn’t for them if they’re unable to adapt to be a part of the squad culture.

• Create formal meeting times to discuss the training process at various stages throughout the year.

• Be open to empathy, but do not let it be abused. If you are empathetic to your clients needs, they should also be to your needs and if that is breached, you can call it out too.

Essentially, just be wary of how your needs and wants influence your perception of the needs and wants of others. Be reflective, perceptive and listen hard. If you're working with people consistently for a long time, you'll probably say things which may be accidentally offensive or sensitive, but you can always get better as a coach and do better for the athlete.

The post was inspired by a podcast I listened to earlier this year on ‘The Imperfects’ with Max Gawn (captain of Melbourne Demons FC) as a guest. I’d really encourage you to give it a listen as Max discusses some of his own downfalls of leadership and how Melbourne were able to turn their culture around and ultimately, win an AFL premiership for the first time in decades.