Assessing 2022

Happy new year to everyone who stumbles upon this blog post. Already a few days into the new year, it feels as if the climax and tension that inevitably falls upon us at the end of the calendar year has washed over somehow. That tension and exhaustion at the end of the year is special - it’s accumulated from all that was over the previous 12 months and in my opinion, provides an important opportunity to check in with yourself. How are you now compared to how you were at the beginning of the year? Why are you feeling the way you feel right now; and what do you think about it? Do the answers to these questions suggest that life is trending towards where you want it to be?

I worked up until the 23rd December this year and had such a social December that I didn’t feel as if I had the moment to sit back and reflect on the year gone by. On Christmas day, I took a flight up to the Gold Coast to have a short holiday with my girlfriend and later on, we were joined by my parents. It was the best. We kicked back on the beach; watched a movie every day, napped every day, had ice cream every day. It was the first time in a while where I felt decompression and rejuvenation (and serious sunburn). Now, I feel a clarity and a readiness to confront the roller coaster year that was.

This is going to be as honest and transparent as possible but as to not get too high or too low, and to keep things light hearted, I thought that it’d be fitting to write this out similar to the dialogue Homer Simpson has with the Evil Shopkeeper (Season 4, Episode 5).

Your 2022 was a year plagued with illness.

(That’s bad)

3 Weeks into Term 1 of teaching this year, I caught the Rona. This was also just before the NSW State Championships; so I was a write off for that also. I stayed at home and wrote lesson plans for the students I barely knew; and upon return to teaching, struggled from an energy standpoint. This was a reality for many teachers this year. Trying to teach through the mask with a razorblade throat took it out of me for well over a month. I started a new job in October and 3 weeks into that; I caught the Rona once more. Luckily, I wasn’t teaching English or PDHPE anymore; so I didn’t need to read books out loud in funny voices or to control a horde of children messing around on basketball courts. Still, my weak diabetic ass got kicked around for the second time and gave me a flat tire, so to speak, once more.

Physically, I struggled with groin related issues again. I likely tore my adductor longus tendon towards the end of July trying to do the world's heaviest copenhagen plank and upon return to running, aggravated some posterior ankle structures (Kager’s fat pad, os trigonum, achilles tendon itself) and following those two injuries, I really feel like taking it easy on the running for the next few months. Now, I’d say I’m probably in the worst shape I’ve been since I took a 4 month solo trip through the USA/Japan back in 2015 in which I was drinking or getting ripped most days. Is what it is.

The worst part of this year’s health was undoubtedly the psychological component. This was the largest influence in quitting my job as a teacher. For the first 4-5 months of the year, I was exhausted and suffering from a lot of anxiety. My willpower to want to try at anything was non-existent. I’m typically a bit of a dreamer, but at that stage, my motivation was dwindling as each week of teaching went by. Teaching and coaching (as professions) can be hard to handle in that kind of state as you end up putting on a front. You need to be there for the students and for the athletes. My problems should not become theirs. I kept on consciously telling myself this, yet in moments of exhaustion and fed-upness, I absolutely let it rip on a few 13 year olds during PDHPE a couple of lessons, and that was probably a good indicator that I needed to chill out. If there was anything that did make me happy at that time, it was seeing the students and athletes flourish. I didn’t want to chop them down with the state I was in.

At the moment I notified the school that I would be resigning, they were fantastic in providing support for me. I gave ample notice - so they facilitated therapy for me to help me understand why I wanted to leave teaching and why I was in the state that I was in. Although the job of therapy isn’t just to seek reasons why the decisions you’re making are ‘good’ - I certainly felt assured that there was some logical rationale behind the way I felt and the actions I was undertaking to make my life better. It helped me depart the profession and leave it in a positive light. The last month or so of teaching included some of my favourite lessons and in the last week, I played in a charity teacher/student basketball game in front of a roaring crowd. Students were sad to hear that I was leaving and a bunch brought me presents; chatted with me about life and girl problems and wanted my opinion on a huge host of things - teaching is a great profession, but I’m probably not at a stage of my life currently where I have either the emotional maturity or the ‘life stability’ to dive into it completely.

After quitting teaching, I thought I’d be able to turn my part-time coaching gig into a full-time gig. This didn’t happen. I was just fried. It was a bad time to be fried too, as shortly after resigning from teaching, my rental prices increased by 25%. Besides coaching, I was pretty much unemployed for 5 months so I was just leaking money and I didn’t even feel like doing anything about it.

So yeah, 2022 was physically a psychologically tough year on the illness front.

It has been good to overcome it all over the last few months. A turning point for me was the AFL Grand Final - it was a day after my birthday, so I was quite hungover; the Swans lost by a fuck-tonne and we still had to drive the car up back to Sydney at some point over the coming days. For some reason, I just started having a bit more juice for life afterwards (thank you Geelong, I guess). I didn’t have a drop of alcohol for months; I got a job; I saw my friends and family a lot, and my body has slowly started coming back to its awesome, normal self. Just wanted to type this as I’m sure this has been a depressing read up until this point.

How does this reflection shape my life moving forward?

In stereotypical New-Years-Resolutionist fashion, a lot of my goals are centred around health, as health underpinned so many other factions of my life (financial, professional, social, etc.). Through anxiety, I saw my friends less; I lost thousands of dollars and I was miserable. I’m looking to sleep more (I track this through an Oura ring), to lose some weight (as being a shredded unit has been a prideful part of my identity for a long time); to force some introspection (through writing weekly) to check in on my mental health and to probably chill out a bit on the loaded copenhagens.

Your hard times led to gratitude.

(That’s good)

Objectively, I’d consider 2022 as a mostly negative year (as outlined extensively above). Socially, financially and professionally, I took a step backwards. Yet, in the concluding months of the year, I was becoming happier and happier again and the experience of the year that had gone by, granted valuable lessons which help me see the world through a better lens again. After being a loser for multiple months, it’s incredible that people can still love you. My girlfriend was undoubtedly close to a breaking point, watching me laze around the apartment, playing video games and eating PB+Jelly sandwiches, as she slogged away working from home; yet she continued to love me by encouraging me to find work and happiness. My parents were pretty aware of where my head was at during these times, so they sent me job opportunities or tried to mentor me on how to run my coaching business more efficiently. During the month of December, two of my best friends had their bucks parties on consecutive weekends. Most of my close mates were there, and at various times throughout the nights, we were just dapping up and hugging for no reason other than the good times we’ve shared and for the love we were all feeling. It was mad. For what it’s worth, I’m grateful so many of my friends are setting the standard and killing it right now - getting married; running restaurants; being international and professional athletes; job promotions coming out of the wazoo. Sometimes, when things aren’t going as well for me personally, that gratitude for their success can become jealousy as they’re used as a bench mark or a point of comparison. If my mind ever goes there, it’s really childish and selfish. I’m just really proud of them and I think if your mates aren’t lifting you up with them as they rise, I’m unsure whether or not they are good mates.

An informative moment (on the topic of gratitude) this year was when my Nanna had a near death experience in November. I received a phone call late on a Tuesday night in November from my mum saying Nanna would likely pass away that evening (this was completely out of the blue) and that she was in a bed at Maitland hospital (~2.5 hours north of Sydney). The entirety of mum’s side of the family joined in an enormous convoy towards Maitland immediately, coming in from all parts of Sydney and Orange. ~20 or so of my relatives stood around as my Nanna believed to be taking her last breath, which sounds awfully grim. Yet, through her grace, faith and fortitude; we were still standing around her (as she was facing her mortality straight in the face), making jokes, reminiscing and her children were telling her stories that she’d never been told before. It was beautiful and despite not being a religious person myself, I do think that the love from those around her that night, particularly from Grandad and her children, and that through her unwavering faith, she is still alive.

How do these moments and how does this reflection shape my life moving forward?

Despite a huge pitfall of a year in many facets of my life, it’s a privilege to be surrounded by my friends, family and my girlfriend. I don't know how many more months my girlfriend could’ve taken me being like that or how many years go by with my close friends before we all become distant and unrecognisable. Family has a more unconditional love associated with it (in my lucky instance); yet just because it is unconditional, does not mean it should be taken for granted or left undeveloped. I don’t know if anything should stand before and be prioritised over those who know you very well, yet still love you. A conscious effort on my end to facilitate more time for those sorts of people will be made. We only have so many hours within a week; and I waste them on things that don't fill my bucket or fill up the bucket of other's around me. Respecting time in a manner which makes the world a better place is something I want to be better at.

Your coaching doesn’t make sense (yet).

(That’s bad)

I’m going into my fourth year of coaching in 2023. It feels longer because I’ve been involved heavily in sport for a much longer time than that, but in a literal sense, I’m still a huge beginner as far as coaching goes. In 2022, I started to worry that the return of my efforts (when it comes to coaching) wasn’t worth the squeeze. This is a sad conclusion to come to as I obviously love coaching. To provide a bit more context as to how these feelings arose, my journey has as a coach (as briefly as possible) is:

• 2020: Return from year long exchange. Final year of study and living at home. COVID wipes out a lot of the year. I’m coaching <10 people, mostly people who I already know before I started coaching.

• 2021: At the end of 2020, Mike reached out through IG and we realised that we really like each other and the way we go about coaching. We join forces and start coaching together (along with Louis, who I was originally coaching in 2020). Our training group increases in size and becomes diversified (competitive & non-competitive athletes). First year of teaching, living out of home, more COVID.

• 2022: Things continue similarly to 2021, but a push for increased revenue begins (paid workshops and seminars are hosted). Quit teaching halfway through the year. Pick up a university based job later on in the year.

To try and understand further where these feelings began to spring up, I recently messaged Rob Jackson for a bit of guidance as I truly admire the way he goes about everything he does (+ he is an absolute unit himself). Sorry Rob if I’m sharing your wisdom as a freeby through this blog. He helped me unpack where this sentiment may have arisen by probing the question: “What is your measurement of the return of your efforts?”. It’s an important question and the context provided above matters greatly as a part of the answer.

When I started coaching, I don’t think there was a great deal of financial motivation. My sessions were initially $10/session (from memory); I was slogging away at uni work; I was picking people up and dropping my athletes off from train stations that were distant from the training location; I was in the red financially because the initial investments of things like FreeLaps, Exergenies and Hurdles would’ve taken so many months to pay back at the rates which I had initially set. But it didn’t really bother me at all. The return of my efforts that I wanted was:

• Fun

• Professional development and learning about what coaching is

• Incredible performances from my athletes

All of those boxes were being ticked in that first year. People were returning from years off from the sport and able to compete at a good level; the banter and the culture were fantastic and I was learning something new every session. Our squad catchphrase at a certain point was GDOL (good day of learning) as an example of the type of experience everyone was getting out of the coaching at the time.

At some stage, the coaching needed to bring in more revenue as I moved out of home and the cost of living increased. I didn’t need to rely on coaching as a sole source of income (as I was teaching) but when I quit teaching; I immediately put more stress on coaching to provide for my lifestyle. This immediately created a shift in how to measure my return on effort. Now my measurement was not fun, or learning; it was focussed on business growth so I could continue to put a roof over my head and still occasionally go out for a beer. This paradigm shift undoubtedly made me like coaching less. The pure intentions which I had at the start were overshadowed by $$$. Now, the coaching rates are higher than what they were when I first started (still severely undercharging, but it’s difficult in athletics as it’s an unprofessional sport which has foundations of geezers and charity) but because they were insignificant as a sole source of income; coaching also became a ‘time obstacle’ to spending time with friends and family; or just doing other things for leisure and fun. When the return of effort becomes measured by $$$; and the hours and the $$$ don’t add up; it’s logical to become disenfranchised.

This has been remedied since working full time again, particularly as the position has far greater flexibility and much less emotional stress than teaching. I’m enjoying coaching more over the past few months, and the conversation I had with Rob really helped me see things from a different perspective.

How does this reflection shape my life moving forward?

It’s good to get in contact with the roots of why you began doing something in the first place every once in a while. When your passion transforms into your profession, you need to confront a few realities:

• Your motivations for doing that action may change over time as you and the world around you will also change over time.

• The currency to measure what satisfies you may change when the action is reliant for different purposes, e.g. when you rely on something for leisure and for fun, your currency may be joy and when you rely on something to help you pay rent, your currency will be $$$.

Given these realities, I’m trying to change my perspective as to what my motivations and measurements of success are back towards my coaching origins. It’d be naive of me to believe that 3 or 4 years of service in this industry is enough to deserve large salaries or incredible athletic success. Also, I’m blessed with the best co-coaches in both Mike and Louis who have become two of my closest friends - and if you were to tell me that you would be coaching with two close mates; in the facilities that we’re able to use; with the type of people that we get to coach, I don’t know what more I could ask for.

Your network grew in 2022! (That’s good)

During 2022, my network expanded and brought in some incredible people in the sports and fitness industry. This is never really intentional - there’s usually something unrelated to training which connects me to someone else. This may be music, the Simpsons, creamed rice, television, etc. This became possible when I made my IG page public for the first time in years, as I always kept it private during my teaching stint. If one of my students found me topless slinging 140kg hang cleans, I don’t know how they, or their parents, would compute it.

A strong, yet diverse, network is important to me. I’m not smart enough to figure out the complex puzzle of the human body and mind by myself. I’d like to thank those who have randomly slid into the DMs to talk about literally anything - I enjoy the community and having the chance to connect with people from all over the world. Instagram has allowed me to connect to some great minds like Ben Simons, Jamie Bouz, David Maris, Rob (as mentioned earlier); at one stage, I had Rolf Oehman slide in and tell me to stop trying to recreate a keiser seated calf raise machine with bands which I got a kick out of as well (as he’s someone who I look up to and admire a lot). There have been many others to chat with me who I admire as well - these dudes were just on the top of my mind. I was able to feature on the Hyperformance Podcast for a second time and chat with Angus Bradley for a bit over an hour. I hopped on the Petey Performance Podcast with Peter Wright and talked about the simplification of sprinting. TSD hosted a one day seminar in November that was attended by nearly 20 people; including a few people who travelled interstate just for the day. Literally everyone who came was an absolute legend and engaged with our content. This was really special for myself, Mike and Louis and we had a blast connecting with everyone who came.

How does this reflection shape my life moving forward?

Similar to the way in which the measurement of coaching became $$$; social media was looked at through a similar lens. I don’t really want this to be the case - the motivation for a greater outreach was always to connect with more people and to put out messages and ideas which help the world. I’m going to keep networking, chewing people’s ears off, seeking answers to questions I cannot figure out and trying to create conversations which push the industry forward.

Some shorter reflections:

You stopped reading in 2022.

(That’s bad)

I read only a couple of books in 2022. Sure, in the first half of the year, I was reading what I was teaching and doing a lot of reading of student essays and assessments. In the latter half of the year, I read nothing. While overseas and during lockdown, I read some ‘game changing’ books, both fiction and non-fiction. Reading (and I think writing does too) has the power to change your life. This year, I listened to over 40000 minutes of podcasts, watched some incredible TV (still extremely excited for the finale of Attack on Titan coming up) and movies (finally watched Interstellar - probably the best film I watched last year) yet I don’t think the indulgence of these forms of media compares to reading and writing. The active participation and the discipline of regular reading and writing, I believe, represents strong mental health and someone who has a strong handle on their time usage. More books, more writing in 2022. To write more frequently was my resolution for 2022 - and I wasn’t able to accomplish it. I’ve cleared up my Wednesday afternoons to undertake this task going forward and I’m going to force myself, even when I don’t feel like writing.

You watched two of your favourite bands!

(That’s good)

In 2022, I watched the Gorillaz and Tame Impala live. The Gorillaz have been one of my favourite bands since I was in high school and there has never really been an opportunity to watch them live in Sydney for a long time. If you’re unfamiliar with The Gorillaz, it’s a one-man band by Damon Albarn. The concert went for nearly 3 hours and it didn’t really feel like Damon was losing steam at all. The Gorillaz was the best band I’ve ever seen live, which is saying something as I've been attending live music since a kid. Kevin Parker is kind of similar to Damon Albarn in the sense that they’re both solo musical visionaries whose music doesn’t fit orthodox genre standards. I’ve watched Tame Impala before and Parker is just a class act. On the night of the concert, I had a few puffacinos and I don’t know what happened, but I absolutely spiralled for the next 6 or so hours through the concert. My Apple Watch was telling me that my heart rate was sky rocketing up and staying at 150BPM; I couldn’t really breathe well; I was wigging out that the lady sitting next to me was wigging out about how I was wigging out. Even if there were moments during the concert which felt like the greatest psychological battle I could ever undertake; I was also loving it. It felt fitting that I was going through that stress as Nangs or Let It Happen, accompanied by the most epileptic light show I’ve seen, smashed my brain for hours on end. In hindsight, I’m glad I went through it.

Both bands have evolved over the years, but still are able to maintain the sounds of their origins (whether it be British punk or a bass heavy psychedelic sound). Watching a full array of their musical prowess was inspiring. These men have dominated for years (decades now, in the case of Albarn); yet still continued to level up and evolve. Along with the efforts of the Sydney Swans, these two concerts were huge surges of energy for me in 2022. On a quick note, Buddy’s 1000 goal moment needs to be in this year’s assessment. Som may see sport and music as completely separate entities, but they're both entertainment and self expression. Buddy's 100 and the concerts were both incredible moments and similar to the musicians noted above. Extended excellence is what inspires me most.

2022 Contained Potassium Benzoate.

(That’s bad)

Can I go on to 2023 now?

Thank you for reading this all the way through. It’s lengthy. My guiding advice is that before you step into the new year and undertake a resolution, take the time to honestly reflect on the year gone by. For me, my resolutions hinge on an improved perspective on already existing tasks and undertaking. If an improved perspective is what is needed, create environments which force you to reconnect and explore that perspective. For me that will be writing; and I've made a time slot to facilitate that. If you’re in the same position, and you need a fresh perspective on life, another thing that helps is to remember to flick the switch from ‘Evil’ to ‘Good’ before you leave the The House of Evil.

This was a mostly unedited brain dump done written during 2 lunch breaks at work. So yeah, it is messy. But if you've read until this point and found that something resonated with you, please feel free to share or to chat with me through IG. Good luck in 2023.